Friday, May 5, 2017

Online Dating from a Polyamorous Perspective

No one really likes online dating. There are creeps, catfishers, liars, fuck boys, deceptive women, and a million other reasons why it flat out sucks most of the time. You can find a plethora of articles online detailing why everyone hates it, most of the reasons repetitive. The reasons vary from app to app, from gender to gender, and even from sexuality to sexuality.

Tinder is flooded with people just wanting to fuck. Join MeetMe or Badoo and you'll drown in dick pics (I have even gotten unwanted pussy pics!). On OkCupid, you are met with checklists of qualifications and expectations you are to meet in order to even talk to someone! As a polyamorous woman in the online dating world, it comes with its own set of reasons to absolutely despise it.


When I fill out my profile on a dating website or app I have the mindset of being as honest as possible and avoid repetitive questions. I introduce myself, list a handful of hobbies and interests, outline what it is that I am looking for, and mention that I am in a polyamorous marriage. I am specific in stating that I am not looking for FWB, one night stands, or NSA. Despite filling out my profile, I have to deal with the same people who don't read your profile either.

Here are some of the issues I have run into and the things that make online dating absolutely horrid for me, as a polyamorous woman. Hopefully, I won't have to deal with them anymore as I have my awesome PolyHubby and amazing boyfriend.

1. Open Relationship Does Not Mean FWB - Sometimes someone will scan my profile and see that I am in an open relationship. For some reason, "polyamorous" or any form of the word translates to "fuck buddy," even if I explicitly put that I am not looking for one night stands or a friend with benefits. I have been met with more than one "can I just eat you out" and "but you're married, you can't have a second meaningful relationship and I just wanna fuck." These are the worst!

2. Open Relationship Does Not Mean Open Book - Then there are the people that believe since I am in an open marriage means I will share any aspect of my life with them. I have been asked personal questions from "you must be really loose, huh?" to "do you and your husband share partners?" These questions always come from complete strangers in the first couple of messages in the conversation. I usually just tell the person off and block them, or blast them on facebook if I know we have mutual friends.

3. Assumptions About My Marriage - I have had more people than I care to admit insist that something must be wrong with my marriage or that I obviously do not know the true meaning of a marriage. As I have mentioned above, I have had people accuse me of not being able to have a second meaningful relationship. I have also had people try to push me into the box of a "unicorn," "wife swapping," and other things I am not interested in. But because I am in an open relationship, must mean that I am open for all forms of play, right? No.

4. Accusations that I am Cheating - Living where I do, I come across a lot of closed minded people. Most of these people accuse me of cheating on or trying to cheat on my husband. I have even been met with invitations to meet someone in a private setting so we won't get caught. The worst are when someone who is cheating on their partner expects me to understand their infidelity. Cheating and polyamory are two completely different things!

I wanted to write five of these, but it has been about a month and a half since I was last on a dating website or app and a couple of weeks before that when I was actually talking to a couple of new people a day. Maybe this post will bring awareness to the fact that these things are not okay! Personally, I live by "if you won't say it to your random cashier at Walmart, don't say it to someone you just started talking to online," but maybe most people on these dating sites and apps don't realize manners and respect are attractive.

What is your biggest online dating turn off? 

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